Unplugged
Freedom
We've taken more walks. I'm more aware of the girls' coloring projects and what they mean to them, and how their drawings reflect their internal landscape, thoughts and feelings; they are more aware of me, and seem to be "pouncing" on me more; and my emotional quality of life has improved exponentially. I was just sharing with someone, "I feel as though I am on perpetual vacation."
We have created at home furnished by our love, joy and emotional presence.
Removing unnecessary "stuff" (tangible and intangible) resulted in the feeling of "getting away", that same feeling that comes with going on vacation to be removed from what distract us or keep us unaware of our wholeness or spiritual selves, and from connection. This almost seems like an "awakening".
Doing some research on personal safety for the family in times of crisis, I came across a video, the 10-Minute Evacuation Challenge. When I first viewed the video to gain some practical information, I saw it on a deeper level, pointing to that decision-making process that happens in 10-minutes, which answers the important question, "What is really important?"
Sweat
These lamentations, played in the background of my mind, as they were once my own, as the U-haul van began to fill-up and I stood there sweating, looking inward to myself and the van and deciding what had to go. I still was not totally satisfied as we worked to rid ourselves and our home of stuff previously characterized as "something we'll need later someday". All that stuff, now more than ever had a different label, one of obstacle impeding the flow and energy of life, hindering the speed of our progress toward engaging in creative thinking and behaviors on making life match our life enriching desires. Close to the end of emptying our two bedroom apartment, I must have made about fifty trips to the dumpster; the fatigue grew; the sun was hot and the distance was not short and seemed to get longer and each box or bag of "trash" was getting heavier.
What kept me going was holding on to images in my mind of where I want my daughters and I to be, that important phone call in my last entry, and the previous memory of breathing deeply and with freedom, which followed the first 30 some-odd trips to the dumpster.
Ninety percent of what ended up in the van was our belongings that for the most part met the following criteria:
- We will use it within the next three months;
- We love wearing it;
- The item will be an important memory to the girls understanding their family history;
- The girls decided together what was important to them individually and together as sisters (if one had to have it, the other had to agree);
- It had to fit in the basket, boxes or containers we have, most everything else has to be easily transported or is donated to those less fortunate, or it wasn't worth the time and attention to save.
Holding loosely to the above criteria, future "what-if"disappated and my mind filled the gap with those tasks that need to be accomplished for our new home (a la simplicity) to remain lean and refreshing. In only two days of being in our home, we have already begun to find greater rest, relaxation and rejuvenation.
The process isn't perfect. A few items slipped by and have made it to our new place, and a few items got trashed that I'm wondering if I'll miss. Time will tell.
Overall we are very, very pleased. Like the weightlifter improving his performance, we've begun to do the major lifting, sweating, grunting and feeling the "burn" of knowing this workout (letting go) is going well. Now, with regard to what we need for a simple life will require fine tuning our thoughts and actions, to see the results we're looking for.
When I say knowledge, that includes the training and conditioning of that knowledge. Knowledge doesn't come from somebody telling you something. It's information when it's just out there. Knowledge is information you've taken on board into your decisions and actions. - Richard 'Mack' Machowicz
Happiness
Now I do. Well, it's really after 2 a.m., since my little ones (two daughters, ages four and seven) intuitively knew I was going to blog, so magically they both woke up hungry for snacky. We sat on the living room floor, both with their stuffed animals cuddled in one hand and their respective snacks in the other. At about 9 a.m. later today, Mary Lou Norris, "Helpful L.O.U.", I found via connections will be here with two trucks to take our donations for military families. By the time they are done loading the trucks, I will have less than what I had entering college quite a few years ago. But, I am now much richer, oddly enough, especially after so many personal losses.
Since my last post, I determined nothing would stand in my way of two dreams I have. After continuing to clear away the junk in my life, I find my vision continues to grow wider. I've made no less than about 30 trips to the dumpster and there is still enough for the tucks that will be here in the morning to take my donations. The children have decided what will go to their less fortunate peers (They are donating stuffed animals who need a new home, toys, games and tricycles). The girls are also learning about simplicity, giving, thinking of others and being happy even in the midst life transitions.
What are some of the changes of living a simple and focused life so far? Well, we will be having "picnic style" meals for the next several days until we get into our new place. I've cut my wardrobe by 75% . Yep, no longer waiting to get into those pants or shirt that used to fit. My new thinking is to really live in the present. "If it doesn't fit me, it will fit someone else who needs it more than my closet right now." And all those books taking up my visual space and are in need of dusting? Gone! A dear friend of mine is reading, referencing and enjoying them.
Why all the changes? And all for what? To get that cell phone call indicating the first dream has come true, "Mr. _______, I just got word from the committee and you've been accepted into the doctoral program."
Tears filled my eyes as his sentence finished and I watched my girls playing in the pool joyfully on a beautiful, sunny, Tuesday afternoon. The children and I were both connected to our centers, and harmony was persistent and alive. While this can all fall apart if financial aid doesn't come through, it doesn't matter. I did in the time since my last post, what I could not accomplish in the prior ten years of distractions.
I am far richer than I have ever been, with my two girls tucked away now sleeping, all of us with much less, but centered and focused on happiness...our dreams. Yes, I do know now where my happiness is at 2 a.m.
Resources
- Mary Lou Norris - Helpful L.O.U. Lifting Others Up - "Helping Military and Others in Need" - 760.419.0239
- Operation Home Front
- Freedom Station - Headed up by Rick Roberts, KFMB 760, San Diego
- Warrior Foundation - Founded by Rick Roberts
Update
The day after I received the acceptance letter into the doctorate program via email, I was able to verify the financial aid needed to complete the program is available. This left me feeling settled and enthusiastic about this first stage of many on the road to finishing an advanced degree, especially since I was able to focus on the task with a high degree of precision in drafting statements of intent and meet the deadline for classes to begin in August. This focus, I have to admit, flowed from only having read a few pages of Unleashing the Warrior Within. The author's message rang true for me at this stage in my life. I was compelled to act. It was a synergistic engagement between heart, mind and soul.
Never let anyone discourage you from your dreams or goals, no matter how big or small, because no one can ever guess how much you are capable of doing. You're the only one who can decide that (Richard 'Mack' Machowicz).
Forgiveness
I am not done throwing things away...
As my surrounding widen, as the sea calling back the waves, my breath grows deeper, the sky grows wider and all manner of music has inspiration I had not heard before quite like I do now.
My colleague got it when she said, "Sounds like you found forgiveness...harmony." She is so right. Somehow, paradoxically, great loss has led to great gain. But, I had to allow it to happen; I had to let go and grow.
Tomorrow no longer matters in a way that it used to. Now, what matters is my active engagement in now to make tomorrow what I prefer it to be, open to changes along the way; changes seen and unseen. This is a wonderful place to be.
Light
Whirling fog gently falling, rolling, tumbling down the hillside, mixed with tweets...whets...fluttering birds, hungry for life. Silhouettes small and large hover in the distance. Too timid to come out from fog's vale? Chill on the back of my neck reminds me the fog is all about our being here together alone. The grey morning follows dark night, then lighter still, in gradients closer to a day where few may find their purpose.
Nostrils mildly pierced by the sweet and poignant fragrance rising from the earth, cooled in the mist gently gliding by before she trips and gently falls like her playful and laughing brothers and sisters tumbling down before her. I see in my mind men below hurried with commitments erroneously more important than what is unfolding here, piercing eye, brain and soul.
A snail moves ever slowly across the grey and blue gravel; no apparent concern for its vulnerability. It lives...no concern for what could happen. Perhaps in this regard, a snail is wiser than I at this moment, as are its fluttering neighbors, free, dancing about with their partner, fog, reminding me how to be.
Otherwise quiet, a subtle melody skips not a beat pushing out from within my chest. No sun to peer through this dense moment; the light of life prevails still.
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